A better summary

Someone sent what is below to the Progressive Economists Network. The 
original is at the below address:

http://www.theonion.com/onion3734/god_clarifies_dont_kill.html

Unfortunately, there is no class analysis in this but hey!

Best, 
Sabri Oncu

+++++++++

GOD ANGRILY CLARIFIES THE "DON'T KILL" RULE 
The Onion,  September 26,  2001     

NEW YORK—Responding to recent events on Earth, God, the omniscient 
creator-deity worshipped by billions of followers of various faiths for more 
than 6,000 years, angrily clarified His longtime stance against humans 
killing each other Monday.
 
"Look, I don't know, maybe I haven't made myself completely clear, so for the 
record, here it is again," said the Lord, His divine face betraying visible 
emotion during a press conference near the site of the fallen Twin Towers. 
"Somehow, people keep coming up with the idea that I want them to kill their 
neighbor. Well, I don't. And to be honest, I'm really getting sick and tired 
of it. Get it straight. Not only do I not want anybody to kill anyone, but I 
specifically commanded you not to, in really simple terms that anybody ought 
to be able to understand."
 
Worshipped by Christians, Jews, and Muslims alike, God said His name has been 
invoked countless times over the centuries as a reason to kill in what He 
called "an unending cycle of violence."

"I don't care how holy somebody claims to be," God said. "If a person tells 
you it's My will that they kill someone, they're wrong. Got it? I don't care 
what religion you are, or who you think your enemy is, here it is one more 
time: No killing, in My name or anyone else's, ever again."

The press conference came as a surprise to humankind, as God rarely 
intervenes in earthly affairs. As a matter of longstanding policy, He has 
traditionally left the task of interpreting His message and divine will to 
clerics, rabbis, priests, imams, and Biblical scholars. Theologians and 
laymen alike have been given the task of pondering His ineffable mysteries, 
deciding for themselves what to do as a matter of faith. His decision to 
manifest on the material plane was motivated by the deep sense of shock, 
outrage, and sorrow He felt over the Sept. 11 violence carried out in His 
name, and over its dire potential ramifications around the globe.

"I tried to put it in the simplest possible terms for you people, so you'd 
get it straight, because I thought it was pretty important," said God, called 
Yahweh and Allah respectively in the Judaic and Muslim traditions. "I guess I 
figured I'd left no real room for confusion after putting it in a four-word 
sentence with one-syllable words, on the tablets I gave to Moses. How much 
more clear can I get?"

"But somehow, it all gets twisted around and, next thing you know, somebody's 
spouting off some nonsense about, 'God says I have to kill this guy, God 
wants me to kill that guy, it's God's will,'" God continued. "It's not God's 
will, all right? News flash: 'God's will' equals 'Don't murder people.'"

Worse yet, many of the worst violators claim that their actions are justified 
by passages in the Bible, Torah, and Qur'an.

"To be honest, there's some contradictory stuff in there, okay?" God said. 
"So I can see how it could be pretty misleading. I admit it—My bad. I did My 
best to inspire them, but a lot of imperfect human agents have misinterpreted 
My message over the millennia. Frankly, much of the material that got in 
there is dogmatic, doctrinal bullshit. I turn My head for a second and, 
suddenly, all this stuff about homosexuality gets into Leviticus, and 
everybody thinks it's God's will to kill gays. It absolutely drives Me up the 
wall."

God praised the overwhelming majority of His Muslim followers as "wonderful, 
pious people," calling the perpetrators of the Sept. 11 attacks rare 
exceptions.

"This whole medieval concept of the jihad, or holy war, had all but vanished 
from the Muslim world in, like, the 10th century, and with good reason," God 
said. "There's no such thing as a holy war, only unholy ones. The vast 
majority of Muslims in this world reject the murderous actions of these 
radical extremists, just like the vast majority of Christians in America are 
pissed off over those two bigots on The 700 Club."

Continued God, "Read the book: 'Allah is kind, Allah is beautiful, Allah is 
merciful.' It goes on and on that way, page after page. But, no, some 
assholes have to come along and revive this stupid holy-war crap just to 
further their own hateful agenda. So now, everybody thinks Muslims are all 
murderous barbarians. Thanks, Taliban: 1,000 years of pan-Islamic cultural 
progress down the drain."

God stressed that His remarks were not directed exclusively at Islamic 
extremists, but rather at anyone whose ideological zealotry overrides his or 
her ability to comprehend the core message of all world religions.

"I don't care what faith you are, everybody's been making this same mistake 
since the dawn of time," God said. "The Muslims massacre the Hindus, the 
Hindus massacre the Muslims. The Buddhists, everybody massacres the 
Buddhists. The Jews, don't even get me started on the hardline, right-wing, 
Meir Kahane-loving Israeli nationalists, man. And the Christians? You people 
believe in a Messiah who says, 'Turn the other cheek,' but you've been 
killing everybody you can get your hands on since the Crusades."

Growing increasingly wrathful, God continued: "Can't you people see? What are 
you, morons? There are a ton of different religious traditions out there, and 
different cultures worship Me in different ways. But the basic message is 
always the same: Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, Shintoism... every 
religious belief system under the sun, they all say you're supposed to love 
your neighbors, folks! It's not that hard a concept to grasp."

"Why would you think I'd want anything else? Humans don't need religion or 
God as an excuse to kill each other—you've been doing that without any help 
from Me since you were freaking apes!" God said. "The whole point of 
believing in God is to have a higher standard of behavior. How obvious can 
you get?"

"I'm talking to all of you, here!" continued God, His voice rising to a 
shout. "Do you hear Me? I don't want you to kill anybody. I'm against it, 
across the board. How many times do I have to say it? Don't kill each other 
anymore—ever! I'm fucking serious!"

Upon completing His outburst, God fell silent, standing quietly at the podium 
for several moments. Then, witnesses reported, God's shoulders began to 
shake, and He wept.