First, ongoing coverage of today's top stories.
Video: New Haven Register, Sunday January 19 1997
FEDERAL BLDG BOMB COVERUP CHARGED--CHONG
"So-called 'Performance Terrorist' Generalissimo Chong, self-styled Field
Marshal in the suppositious Ming Restorationist Ever-Victorious Army,
believed disappeared or destroyed since 1683, announced yesterday, from
his trademark black helicopter, stolen from Republic of China National
Palace Air Museum, Taipei, Taiwan (previously flown by Chiang Kai-Shek,
the imperial-yellow characters visible from vertically beneath translate
he exploded numerous pinpoint-precision bombs beneath all steelframe
structural girders in the Congressman Robert Giamo Federal Building, 105
Court Street, just east of the New Haven Green. Federal employees, when
prodded, do in some but hardly all accounts recall 'a slight gravitational
wiggling,' or in the words of one security guard, 'dumfug-weirdness, man.'
"In his emergency-short-notice news conference today, President Clinton
heatedly, for him, denied "absolutely and categorically" that I Myself or
anyone in MY Administration covered anything up or even knew of anything to
cover up. WAIT! That came out wrong, uh, I really."
"On Capital Hill, hardly even by the narrowest margin Ethical Speaker
Newt Gingrich, exploiting to the hilt the victory of Ms (or is it now Rep?)
Paula Jones in a Special Election, it is at this time undetermined to what
if any office, declared "the apparent coverup" as "typical of his ClintonŲ
proclivities for indecently exposing whut he orter have hid, and meanwhile
dysinforming, misinforming, an' keepin'-ignorantin' th' vast Armenian people
of whatorter be tolled. I mean, such as not just this, but illegal Aliens,
not all of whom are from, uh, here, comin'in'ere from WORMHOLES-IN-SPACETIME
--excuse me I'm havin' a fit <aaghmph>--what I mean, I swear to you, we are
gonna find out, betcherbazoo, what the President did not know and morer
importantly, when he did not know it. And then, I do solemnly swear or so
he'p me, I'm gonna jump off the GW Monument, we gonna find out whut'all this
WORMHOLE THINGIE is, and blast whutever aint worms comin' outta the things,
I'm sayin' we got no idea in hell already got in already, but so he'p me,
I very strongly suspect thay AINT what I am accustomed to call NORMAL
PEOPLE.'
"Field Marshal Chong claims that he served as a Daoist-magic demolition
expert in the Northern Palace Armies, headquartered outside Jiankang, seat
of government under Wu (222-280), Eastern Jin (317-420), Liu Song (420-479),
Qi (479-502), Liang (502-557) and Chen (557-589). Today, this city is known
to Chinese and charmed Westerners alike as Nanjing, whose loveliness, as we
see in this video footage on your screen, is unsullied by reminders of
this disgusting and disgraceful period in the dim and distant past. What
Commander-in-Chief Chong tells us, for example, about "You American
imperialists were ruling, ruining, looting, perverting, and genociding the
shit out of our historic nation and people" did not, in some strict sense,
*actually happen*, as the only people victimized were in *an alternative
timeline* which is not, currently, in *our* past. So, while we may regret,
deplore, and condemn the acts of certain people who did, in fact, return
from a past which has ceased to exist for them, and certainly has left no
traces in the works of scholarship we may freely consult as to what
happened in China's past, when, and why, it's not, technically speaking,
objectively real. Though in an equally technical sense, the people who were,
technically speaking, killed or reduced to starvation or carried off by
famine-induced epidemic disease or human-made natural disasters did, at
the time, in their own timeline, from a strictly objective point of view,
undergo actual mass slaughter and suffer quite objectively real death.
Which, to anyone present at the time, might well have been *emotionally
compelling*, however unreal in the end it ultimately turned out to have
been, which Chong, and quite possibly others, as well, could not have
possibly known.
"Are you saying...."
"We must sympathize, empathize with Chong, and any others like him, but
withal insist, quietly but firmly, that nothing at all actually happened.
From a God's-eye view of the thing. I'll wager, however, that Field Marshal
Chong, here, will find that hard to absorb.
"Your excellency, any comments?"
"Now, by all the gods of China, your turtles have come home to roost!"
*********************
We'll be right back after this message.
*********************
This is Thomas A. Aronson, MD for the Armenian Psychiatric Association. I'm
urging all loyal, functioning Armenians to come down to your local Community
Mental Health Center, which, according to Federal Law and Federally-mandated
grants-in-aid and block-grants to the states, *should exist*, and pick up your
FREE COPY of DSM IV, named after a heroic fifteenth-century Grand Prince of
Montenegro who fought off the Ottoman Turks allied to Vlad The Impaler Dracula
till everyone got bored; then made war all together on King Stephen of Bosnia,
that was in 1463, and had great fun. That's what it says, anyhow.
This book tells you, in clear, elegant, unambiguous prose just what's
Normal, what's meant in every conceivable situation you may run into by In
Touch with Reality, or if you need fine distinctions for upscale living, what's
Appropriate, what's Inappropriate, what's Highly Inappropriate, and what's
plain old Rude, which doesn't count against you, medically speaking. For
the Seriously Interested in Scientific Psychiatry, we are giving away, for
the duration of the Natural Emergency, the PDR, or Physician's Desk Reference,
giving you the most important fact about the psychopharmacological product you
may be asked to ingest, politely the first time and thereafter it's up to you,
by your physician, for example, myself. Specifically, what colour is your pill.
You may rest assured, if you happen to be among the thirty-five million
anxiety-disordered, that today's psychoactive medication is Attractively Styled
with the aesthetics of today's patient, the true Nineties person, envisioned.
Very Seriously now, and I didn't wish to bring this up for starters for very
good, excellent, even, reasons, listen very carefully. IF YOU TRY TO MAKE SENSE
OF ALL THE STUFF THAT, STARTING NOW, IS GOING TO BE GOING ON, YOU WILL BE, YOU
WILL GET YOURSELF INTO, VERY SERIOUS TROUBLE. I know, I realize, you aren't
quite on my wavelength about this stuff, because *it's just starting*, but
when it *really gets going*, which you can't tell exactly, that is, detect
the precise point of flipover, state transition, technically speaking, which
is baloney, but that's what I'm supposed to say, you can't keep up, using your
sense-making faculties, with...uh...it.
In conclusion, no matter *what* happens, if it's bad enough, PAY NO
ATTENTION TO IT WHATEVER, even if it kills you; because the alternative is
much worse, and no experimentation around this, word to the wise.
Thank you, and good night.
*********************
In a continuing story, J Sverd Satberg, MD, Director of Psychiatry at
Brookdale General Hospital, Brooklyn NY, admitted today that 'a man in a
wacko-bizarro uniform admitted, boasted, explicated how, even, he blew up
TWA flight 800.' Also, said Dr Satberg, I did indeed tell him, 'Yer so fuckin'
insane, it's beyond belief.' And did Dr Satberg tell the man, now identified
as Chong, to 'Stop wasting my time, I gotta think about my golf game'?
"'I sure as hell did! He was pure an' simple bananas, not your usual
exhibitionist. You can tell, it's the exhibitionists go to Bellevue, which
is where everyone who comes to New York for exhibitionism goes, unless they
got born here by mistake. You familiar with the expression TAKEN TO BELLEVUE
FOR OBSERVATION, well, what kinda Serious reputation-mongering lunatic goes
to this nuked-looking minority-race-infested broken-glass desert, like Arizona
without the water and the white people, to show off about imaginary feats of
cosmic mind force what's gonna win the imaginary feets of women. Fuuuuuck
Offf!'
"'Whuzzisay'bout the Ground To Air Missle?'
"'He said, or in his argot, *Him say*, no missle, spelling error,
M-I-S-S-A-L, Catholic Very Holy Book, fiery flaming letters, magical bangbang.'
"'No!'
"'Direct transcription off the tape. Everything is bugged these days. My
house I am sure is bugged. Don't know for sure, like, equipment, but I know,
out there, there's a psycho who believes he could do it, or so my wife
believes. Now, you think about it, there's so many people out to get me, in
my position, that I'd go down-the-tubes Paranoid except for one thing. My wife.
If my wife is Paranoid, then I've gotta do my duty to the Paranoid People, who
gave birth to me. I recommend, every Paranoid should either marry a Profession-
al Paranoid, with accreditation, or rent one. One is then free to do the woik,
the other to do the worrying about if there is something to worry about. Don't'
ya think?'"
*********************
THE MIND OF ARMENIA TODAY
HAS BEEN MADE POSSIBLE
BY A GENEROUS GRANT FROM
THE MOBIL CORPORATION
Daniel A. Foss
<reminder: The AAA says, ANTHROPOLOGY IS WONDERFUL. BUY SOME ANTHROPOLOGY TODAY
AND REMEDIATE YOUR COGNITIVE DEFICITS WHILST WAITING FOR THE TOWTRUCK TO GET
YOU TO THE NEAREST, IF DISTANT, GARAGE. **** This has been a paid message from
the Armenian Anthropological Association. We missed you at the San Francisco
Meetings. ****>